Evening of my Birthday

 

How is it a birthday already? It feels like time flies faster when you get older. I remember being a child and thinking how incredible SLOW everything was. I was always in a hurry to grow up. Now I am starting to embrace presence. I have been trying to embrace presence since I moved to Olympia and I have a tattoo on my arm in MY OWN handwriting to prove it. In all things....be present. And yet, until recently I believe I spend the majority of time either ruminating on my past or worried about the future.

NOT

ANY

MORE!!

Yes, with this trip around the sun, I am really doubling down on PRESENCE!! Taking a moment to be in THIS moment. The one where I feel a little thirsty and warm. I can hear the fan running. The notebook under my arm is cutting into that soft flesh on the underside of my arm. My ankle is resting on my other foot. My right thigh feels a little tight. The air is flowing in and out of my nose and lungs. I am typing on my keyboard and not using the exact right fingers to do so.

Let's review. I am a planner. I love to make plans, but rarely if ever actually complete the plans to the letter. I get nervous if there is no plan. I have a healthy worst case scenario mind that is constantly and always running the if that then this so whatever I choose I know there is an out or options. I recently told my husband that when I hit all of the worst case and I cannot find the best solution I decide if I want to do it or not, and fully accept that I won't come out of it alive. He thought that was pretty dark, but it is totally true. I weigh consequences of my actions constantly and that brushes off on the people I spend time with. I can hardly ever, oh who am I kidding, it is near impossible for me to just let go. But, I can also go the other extreme and PLAN NOTHING. It drives people nuts when I do this. I have literally not thought out anything. 

I am embracing the I don't know what will happen next. I am really excited about what this moment will bring. This doesn't mean I don't have general ideas or desires. It just means I am not so attached to it that I am stressed out when I see the trajectory careening off into a canyon that I did not anticipate.

Can I do this? I hope so. I am making small changes in hopes they stick. I have already a few little things in place that can be annoying but they work. When I think I am going to be late for something, and I start to spin out, that is me going into the future, so I put myself in a 5 minute time out. I may be late, but I am not going to spin out on the way there. I am noticing those moments I am not breathing. Usually I am holding onto something because I am not in this present moment.

My life is going to change in big ways. Maybe I can just sit back and watch it all unfold. This doesn't mean I won't be making plans, it just means I will be less attached to future and more present. I will be more open to those times things don't work the way I planned.

Happy Birthday to me.