Research and Ramblings

Maybe this is you? You decide to take on a challenge, and you work at it, plans are made, things happen, and eventually you realize you aren't going to master it. Some of you may be thinking, nope, I execute it perfectly every time. Some of you may be thinking, yep, that's me. This can be something simple like I am going to clean kitchen today or something more complex like I am going to lose 10 pounds this month. Just the fact that I labeled cleaning as simple and weight loss as complex says something about my own process. If you told me I had to clean the kitchen today, I would ace it. If you told me I had to lose 10 pounds in December I would laugh (holidays, cookies, treats). For me, I assign things as simple or complex. Sometimes when I set my mind to it, I can complete the challenge. Sometimes, I set my mind to it and my priorities change, or things happen outside of my control, or I shift priorities midway.  My husband will say that I am pretty good and completing challe...

 So, it is the last day of NaNoWriMo and I am at 35,907 words. I will be writing most of today and so I am confident I will end the day at or around 40K. Do you think I am celebrating? That is not how my brain works. I tell myself that the goal was 50K and I did not do it. So I failed. It has taken me awhile to recognize how often I live in a pass/fail right/wrong black/white for me/against me world. I am guessing it has something to do with my religious upbringing and generational patterning. We do not celebrate the ways we accomplished something - anything towards the goal. Instead it is you did not actually meet the mark. So, pass/fail.  So what went wrong this month? That is where my brain goes. What could I have done differently? Well, I started strong and then had some medical weirdness and then traveled for some of the time. I also worked and did all of the usual chores and home tasks. I met in group when I could. My best days of writing ended up being Thursdays and Sat...

 Oh I am happy. Hitting the 20K mark was AMAZING!! I was worried as I started the week ahead then wrote NOTHING on Tuesday. Wednesday I felt behind, and then I reminded myself that I am mostly teaching myself to write daily. To show up to do something I enjoy daily. The novel idea has fallen by the wayside. I feel a lot of feelings about that. I think what I am writing is going to amount to something though and my other win this week was locating an essay I wrote in group during 2020 and then the journal was stolen out of my car. I was more devastated about the journal being gone than anything else that was taken (well that and my friend's birthday stuff was also awful). I had a vague memory of typing it up as I sometimes do, and after much searching decided that it was gone forever. Then, earlier this week I thought to check my email to see if maybe I had emailed it to someone and I had. I was so excited about finding it, it set of a series of words about that essay and subsequent...

Today is day 4 of NaNoWriMo - I started the day excited to get my 2000 words of the day and then surpassed my wildest dreams when I found myself SO close to hitting 10K. Now I am wondering what to do, do I push through and get it? Old Tracy would fire up the old pen and paper and get her done!! After all, I am only136 words away at this point. BUT, have I learned nothing in this time I have taken for myself? Newer Tracy knows that it isn't important to hit that goal today. No need to push through. No need to dangle that carrot out in front.  I am writing memories from my childhood - moments that I think created and molded me into the person I am today. Is this what I planned to write? Is this my outline and plot points and characters? Nope! Once again I have decided to do something that I think will be what I am ultimately looking for but not taking the road I thought I would take. I have struggled with planning things down to the finest point and then the whole plan gets chucked o...

 So, I have decided to do it...the challenge of writing 50,000 words in the month of November as part of a national phenomenon - National Novel Writing Month. When I decided I would commit, it was July and part of my I've turned 53, now what thing. Now, it is a few months later and my life is totally different than I thought it would be. I had a solid idea for the novel. Fiction, semi-autobiographical, and kind of a retelling of Alice in Wonderland - but an older Alice, a 50 year old Alice, going through menopause and taking stock of her life - figuring out who she really is and meeting the major arcana of the tarot along the way. Now I am questioning my choices, thinking of nearly every other topic that I have ever thought of, and I think it is because November 1st is just a little over a week away. My procrastination response is alive and well. I will think of nearly every reason under the sun to not do this in the name of, oh, this other thing is more important now. It is typica...