Research and Ramblings

 So, it is February 5th, how is that possible? I had ideas of what I would accomplish in January and truth be told the month unfolded with whatever needed to happen, all part of my surrender. Now, I am starting to review my research and get organized because it is a mere 2 months before I am off to Washington State to continue my research about the Washington State Archives. So, I open my notes and decide to research the state archivist Ralph J. Burcham. What follows is typical when doing research on anything whether it is a research project or genealogy, you follow something and it isn't exactly what you were looking for, but it is just so interesting. I decided to start by plugging Ralph Burcham into the Washington State Digital Archives . I am met with several hits, including census, death, cemetery, institution, school census, and birth. I am sure I have found my Ralph Burcham based on notes I already have and the death certificate from 1963, but I cannot help but look at the c...

 I allowed emotions to hijack a job I loved. And I feel like a failure. Ten years I worked with customers, clients and co-workers in a place I'd spend more than the 8 hours a day, some weekends, and special events. I would like to pin it on one human who evoked rage, hatred and anger in me, picking away at my sanity but in truth it was my failure. My failure to allow it to continue to escalate to not allow it to eat at me, my failure to ignore. I wasn't strong enough. I said I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't control the slow rage, the white hot heat, the impulse to hit, scratch, punch was getting greater and I'd like to blame them, make them the scapegoat, but in reality it was me. My failure. My inability to let it go, to not allow it to consume me. My old familiar friend, anger, rage, temper, that part of me that defied logic or hugging it out. It could not or would not rest. The mere sight of them would send me into an irrational tizzy. And for 10 years I tapp...

 I spent most of today in my pajamas looking through what I accomplished in 2023 as far as writing goals and then looked ahead at 2024. I follow Sarra Cannon on YouTube and she hosted a livestream all about planning writing goals in 2024. I had also downloaded a couple other planning/reflection tools from Abbie Emmons  and Katie Allen . But Tracy, you say, it's January 13th - aren't you a little behind? Nope, no I am not. I have been trying to shift my planning and goals from the typical New Year's resolutions to something more spread out. I find the time as we go into the darkest part of the year the best time to plant seeds, see what takes, and get really curious about what I really want. I think of Spring as the time for things to come alive - specifically February 1 - Imbolc - the halfway point between the winter solstice and the spring equinox as a ripe time to see what seeds are sprouting. I suffer from shiny new thing syndrome, anyone else? It is so easy for me to j...

 I've posted this on Social Media - but want to circle back and post it here as well.  Here is my #24in24 inspired by Gretchen Rubin and her podcast with her sister Elizabeth Craft - check it out here. #24in24 Send 5 postcards each month TnT date night once a week #write24in24 Purchase a bathrobe 2 no spend months/create want lists (March/August) Create CV and Resume Shop at home Donate 24 items Quarterly purge Bible study Create an AM ritual/PM ritual Floss daily Small art once a week 1 day of technology silence per week To Appalachians for birthday Bus trip on ONP Celebrate the positive/wins Cultivate Listening skills Living will 1 new recipe a week Submit writing for publishing Embrace the pause before deciding something #15min timed tasks Gratitude practice daily I have spent years creating lists of resolutions, goals, or intentions and find them to be motivating and inspiring. It is always a suggestion and I am usually not so attached that as life shifts so do the lists ...

I took a look at my word of the year for the past few years: 2020 was Patience 2021 was Brave 2022 was Balance  2023 was Forgiveness and I chose Surrender for 2024.  Surrender for a long time meant to me to give up my own will and submit to the will of the higher power (in this case the God of the Bible). The thought of giving up my own will brought up terror and rebellion within my deepest being. I don't like to be controlled or told what to do. I have a long lifetime of not wanting to do what everyone else is doing. I am a type A and a self proclaimed control freak. I want to know everything all of the possibilities and pitfalls and be prepared. I don't want to do what has been done before even if it makes sense, unless there is a very clear and concise manual to follow. I would rather try and fail a million times than take direction. I think for a long time I thought if I were controlled, I would cease to be me. The trouble is, there are SO MANY things out of my control. I ...

It is coming...the longest night. I have loved developing a ritual and celebration around Winter Solstice. The call to go inward, the connection with Mother Earth, and the reflection the year. Over the years, I have slowly begun to add in things as solstice approaches.  I look over the year - what stands out - what do I remember - what were the moments that I want to remember and reflect on. I think about what my goals or intentions were for the year. For the past few years I have participated in #13in13 all the way to #23in23. It has been fun to pick some things for me to do, to finish, to push my edges, to explore, and to just find some time to spend on things that I would love to see as part of my day to day life as well as some dream things I hope will happen. This is inspired by Gretchen Rubin and her sister, Elizabeth Craft and their podcast Happier . Truthfully I have always created goals or intentions or even resolutions for the year - I just shifted when I start thinking a...

 Today would have been my father-in-law's 87th birthday. He passed in his sleep on October 21, 2023 and today was his memorial. It was great to hear from people, their memories of him and to hear my husband and brother-in-laws speak about their father. I have not yet experienced losing a parent. From what I hear, it is hard and there is a hole that literally nothing can fill. I have experienced loss - grandparents, great-grandparents, great-great grandparents, people from the church, friends, children of friends, members of the community, but everyone says the loss of a parent is different.  David believed in making the world a better place for EVERYONE. He did this not so much by talking about it, though he did, door to door to make sure people were voting. He did this by getting involved, talking to people and getting them involved, and sometimes that even included doing things himself. Whether it was climate change, assuring all people have running water, homes and electric...

Maybe this is you? You decide to take on a challenge, and you work at it, plans are made, things happen, and eventually you realize you aren't going to master it. Some of you may be thinking, nope, I execute it perfectly every time. Some of you may be thinking, yep, that's me. This can be something simple like I am going to clean kitchen today or something more complex like I am going to lose 10 pounds this month. Just the fact that I labeled cleaning as simple and weight loss as complex says something about my own process. If you told me I had to clean the kitchen today, I would ace it. If you told me I had to lose 10 pounds in December I would laugh (holidays, cookies, treats). For me, I assign things as simple or complex. Sometimes when I set my mind to it, I can complete the challenge. Sometimes, I set my mind to it and my priorities change, or things happen outside of my control, or I shift priorities midway.  My husband will say that I am pretty good and completing challe...

 So, it is the last day of NaNoWriMo and I am at 35,907 words. I will be writing most of today and so I am confident I will end the day at or around 40K. Do you think I am celebrating? That is not how my brain works. I tell myself that the goal was 50K and I did not do it. So I failed. It has taken me awhile to recognize how often I live in a pass/fail right/wrong black/white for me/against me world. I am guessing it has something to do with my religious upbringing and generational patterning. We do not celebrate the ways we accomplished something - anything towards the goal. Instead it is you did not actually meet the mark. So, pass/fail.  So what went wrong this month? That is where my brain goes. What could I have done differently? Well, I started strong and then had some medical weirdness and then traveled for some of the time. I also worked and did all of the usual chores and home tasks. I met in group when I could. My best days of writing ended up being Thursdays and Sat...

 Oh I am happy. Hitting the 20K mark was AMAZING!! I was worried as I started the week ahead then wrote NOTHING on Tuesday. Wednesday I felt behind, and then I reminded myself that I am mostly teaching myself to write daily. To show up to do something I enjoy daily. The novel idea has fallen by the wayside. I feel a lot of feelings about that. I think what I am writing is going to amount to something though and my other win this week was locating an essay I wrote in group during 2020 and then the journal was stolen out of my car. I was more devastated about the journal being gone than anything else that was taken (well that and my friend's birthday stuff was also awful). I had a vague memory of typing it up as I sometimes do, and after much searching decided that it was gone forever. Then, earlier this week I thought to check my email to see if maybe I had emailed it to someone and I had. I was so excited about finding it, it set of a series of words about that essay and subsequent...

Today is day 4 of NaNoWriMo - I started the day excited to get my 2000 words of the day and then surpassed my wildest dreams when I found myself SO close to hitting 10K. Now I am wondering what to do, do I push through and get it? Old Tracy would fire up the old pen and paper and get her done!! After all, I am only136 words away at this point. BUT, have I learned nothing in this time I have taken for myself? Newer Tracy knows that it isn't important to hit that goal today. No need to push through. No need to dangle that carrot out in front.  I am writing memories from my childhood - moments that I think created and molded me into the person I am today. Is this what I planned to write? Is this my outline and plot points and characters? Nope! Once again I have decided to do something that I think will be what I am ultimately looking for but not taking the road I thought I would take. I have struggled with planning things down to the finest point and then the whole plan gets chucked o...

So much has happened in August through October. Should I list it all out? I almost don't want to because I can already feel my body tightening, my breath catching in my lungs, my pulse quickening, and I just cannot go back. I ruminate on the past a lot. I worry about the future a lot. I am usually caught in a space of what can I do? Feeling like my doing will be the thing that saves everyone. There's so much to unpack there - whiteness, patriarchy, saviorism, and worthiness. Regardless of what has happened, yesterday I found myself in a forest near Chillicothe in a geo-dome. The Geode Nature Dome  to be exact. My best friend Liz had an event there called Stillness with(Yin). A magical mixture of forest bathing, yin yoga, restorative yoga and guided meditation that put my system back to stillness. I totally felt what we (she and I) lovingly call "yoga drunk" (no drugs or alcohol necessary). It was hard to concentrate, hard to do, it was hard to do anything except be. ...

 So, I have decided to do it...the challenge of writing 50,000 words in the month of November as part of a national phenomenon - National Novel Writing Month. When I decided I would commit, it was July and part of my I've turned 53, now what thing. Now, it is a few months later and my life is totally different than I thought it would be. I had a solid idea for the novel. Fiction, semi-autobiographical, and kind of a retelling of Alice in Wonderland - but an older Alice, a 50 year old Alice, going through menopause and taking stock of her life - figuring out who she really is and meeting the major arcana of the tarot along the way. Now I am questioning my choices, thinking of nearly every other topic that I have ever thought of, and I think it is because November 1st is just a little over a week away. My procrastination response is alive and well. I will think of nearly every reason under the sun to not do this in the name of, oh, this other thing is more important now. It is typica...

When the middle of September comes, I start to think if the Autumn Equinox and the shift from summer to fall. I also see this as a "new year." Maybe it is the back to school or the new planners that start to surface but I start thinking about what is left of the year. This year, I decided to take a look at my #23in23. The list of things I decided I would concentrate on in 2023. In case you need a reminder, here is my list. Here is my list of #23in23 in no particular order and some notes I added in July (around my birthday, my mid year check in on progress) and now I am adding some additional notes. #outside23in23 Finish 5 small house projects (in the process of selling the house) Learn to identify the seagulls (carry over from 2022) - Not even started Start each day with 5-10 minutes of Silence (working on this - a practice) (still working on this) Writing Practice 3-5 times per week (Hooray!) (keeping up with this except during the move) Small camper journey (several short ...

Well, it has been a minute since I posted anything. As I am typing this, I am staring out the window of our new apartment in Columbus, Ohio. For many of you, you may not know that I am from Newark, Ohio. I was born and raised in Ohio. When I was young, I dreamed of seeing the big wide world and so when we left Cincinnati, Ohio in 2007 and moved to Washington State, I did not dream we would return to my home state. Columbus was the big city for me growing up. We came here to do our back to school shopping sometimes, we would come to gospel meetings in various churches (Canal Winchester, Hilliard, Worthington, Broad St, to name a few) in the greater Columbus area. We frequented a place called Children's Palace to occasionally get a new toy. As I got older, I would come to Columbus to visit the zoo, go to a show, go clubbing, visit friends, cruise High Street, and of course visit COSI. I had a violin teacher in Bexley.  My brother played indoor soccer in Westerville. I had friends who...

  How is it a birthday already? It feels like time flies faster when you get older. I remember being a child and thinking how incredible SLOW everything was. I was always in a hurry to grow up. Now I am starting to embrace presence. I have been trying to embrace presence since I moved to Olympia and I have a tattoo on my arm in MY OWN handwriting to prove it. In all things....be present. And yet, until recently I believe I spend the majority of time either ruminating on my past or worried about the future. NOT ANY MORE!! Yes, with this trip around the sun, I am really doubling down on PRESENCE!! Taking a moment to be in THIS moment. The one where I feel a little thirsty and warm. I can hear the fan running. The notebook under my arm is cutting into that soft flesh on the underside of my arm. My ankle is resting on my other foot. My right thigh feels a little tight. The air is flowing in and out of my nose and lungs. I am typing on my keyboard and not using the exact right fingers t...

Okay, maybe not COMPLETE strangers. How many of you would just take a 10 day road trip with a friend and someone you don't really know? Would you sleep in the same space with them to save money? I did that. Maybe it was the way I was raised, but I have no worries about sleeping in spaces with strangers. Okay, not COMPLETE strangers...again I emphasize that. I know that for some of us, myself included we have bodily functions and certain rituals that keep us from being in close proximity to others especially ones that are not part of your intimate circle. Even then, you may not consider anyone into that part of your world, not even your significant other.  For someone who has a difficult time being with people for more than a few hours - this was a challenge. When I moved to Washington State, my circle of friends got smaller. I started spending a lot more time alone. It was a shift from being in a larger family and then being around friends and in social situations. It would not be ...

So, I do not fancy myself an artist. In my mind an artist is professionally trained, has carefully honed their craft, and spends all of their days trying to make it better than when they started. Artists have art studios and are always trying to balance their craft and the real world. It was when I moved to Olympia, WA, when the idea that I could be an artist was planted. I had a session with Michelyn Gjurasic  in 2013-2014 which introduced the idea of me being an artist. In this moment, I wish I could find our session but cannot. At the time, I had a career path as a historian and an archivist that I felt passionate about. Part of me rejected the idea that I had art within me. Over time, I started to embrace the part of me that wants to play with paint, color, and drawing. How do I embrace the artist in me? Do you believe you have an artist in you? Now, I feel like creativity is a huge part of who I am. Books like Big Magic by Liz Gilbert and working with a former yoga teacher an...

I read The Dutch House by Ann Patchett in May 2021, and was fascinated by the house as a character in the novel. Maybe it was just me, but I loved how much of the character's experience revolved around the house. This had me thinking, what if I wrote something where the stories are told from the house's point of view? Pictured in this post is my childhood home. My parents bought the house when I was just under a year old. The turret room, the hedge, the tall pines are all part of the memories created in and around the house. I started asking my parents for pictures of the inside of the house. I have a few, but of course, the house has undergone changes over the years. When I was about 10 or 11, my father tore out the chimney and started to lower the basement floor. He did this while working full time and overtime. I think the major renovations of the first floor are mostly complete as of last year (2022). The second floor is still undergoing renovation and I am currently 52 ye...