Research and Ramblings

 I spent most of today in my pajamas looking through what I accomplished in 2023 as far as writing goals and then looked ahead at 2024. I follow Sarra Cannon on YouTube and she hosted a livestream all about planning writing goals in 2024. I had also downloaded a couple other planning/reflection tools from Abbie Emmons  and Katie Allen . But Tracy, you say, it's January 13th - aren't you a little behind? Nope, no I am not. I have been trying to shift my planning and goals from the typical New Year's resolutions to something more spread out. I find the time as we go into the darkest part of the year the best time to plant seeds, see what takes, and get really curious about what I really want. I think of Spring as the time for things to come alive - specifically February 1 - Imbolc - the halfway point between the winter solstice and the spring equinox as a ripe time to see what seeds are sprouting. I suffer from shiny new thing syndrome, anyone else? It is so easy for me to j...

I took a look at my word of the year for the past few years: 2020 was Patience 2021 was Brave 2022 was Balance  2023 was Forgiveness and I chose Surrender for 2024.  Surrender for a long time meant to me to give up my own will and submit to the will of the higher power (in this case the God of the Bible). The thought of giving up my own will brought up terror and rebellion within my deepest being. I don't like to be controlled or told what to do. I have a long lifetime of not wanting to do what everyone else is doing. I am a type A and a self proclaimed control freak. I want to know everything all of the possibilities and pitfalls and be prepared. I don't want to do what has been done before even if it makes sense, unless there is a very clear and concise manual to follow. I would rather try and fail a million times than take direction. I think for a long time I thought if I were controlled, I would cease to be me. The trouble is, there are SO MANY things out of my control. I ...

It is coming...the longest night. I have loved developing a ritual and celebration around Winter Solstice. The call to go inward, the connection with Mother Earth, and the reflection the year. Over the years, I have slowly begun to add in things as solstice approaches.  I look over the year - what stands out - what do I remember - what were the moments that I want to remember and reflect on. I think about what my goals or intentions were for the year. For the past few years I have participated in #13in13 all the way to #23in23. It has been fun to pick some things for me to do, to finish, to push my edges, to explore, and to just find some time to spend on things that I would love to see as part of my day to day life as well as some dream things I hope will happen. This is inspired by Gretchen Rubin and her sister, Elizabeth Craft and their podcast Happier . Truthfully I have always created goals or intentions or even resolutions for the year - I just shifted when I start thinking a...

 So, it is the last day of NaNoWriMo and I am at 35,907 words. I will be writing most of today and so I am confident I will end the day at or around 40K. Do you think I am celebrating? That is not how my brain works. I tell myself that the goal was 50K and I did not do it. So I failed. It has taken me awhile to recognize how often I live in a pass/fail right/wrong black/white for me/against me world. I am guessing it has something to do with my religious upbringing and generational patterning. We do not celebrate the ways we accomplished something - anything towards the goal. Instead it is you did not actually meet the mark. So, pass/fail.  So what went wrong this month? That is where my brain goes. What could I have done differently? Well, I started strong and then had some medical weirdness and then traveled for some of the time. I also worked and did all of the usual chores and home tasks. I met in group when I could. My best days of writing ended up being Thursdays and Sat...

Today is day 4 of NaNoWriMo - I started the day excited to get my 2000 words of the day and then surpassed my wildest dreams when I found myself SO close to hitting 10K. Now I am wondering what to do, do I push through and get it? Old Tracy would fire up the old pen and paper and get her done!! After all, I am only136 words away at this point. BUT, have I learned nothing in this time I have taken for myself? Newer Tracy knows that it isn't important to hit that goal today. No need to push through. No need to dangle that carrot out in front.  I am writing memories from my childhood - moments that I think created and molded me into the person I am today. Is this what I planned to write? Is this my outline and plot points and characters? Nope! Once again I have decided to do something that I think will be what I am ultimately looking for but not taking the road I thought I would take. I have struggled with planning things down to the finest point and then the whole plan gets chucked o...

So much has happened in August through October. Should I list it all out? I almost don't want to because I can already feel my body tightening, my breath catching in my lungs, my pulse quickening, and I just cannot go back. I ruminate on the past a lot. I worry about the future a lot. I am usually caught in a space of what can I do? Feeling like my doing will be the thing that saves everyone. There's so much to unpack there - whiteness, patriarchy, saviorism, and worthiness. Regardless of what has happened, yesterday I found myself in a forest near Chillicothe in a geo-dome. The Geode Nature Dome  to be exact. My best friend Liz had an event there called Stillness with(Yin). A magical mixture of forest bathing, yin yoga, restorative yoga and guided meditation that put my system back to stillness. I totally felt what we (she and I) lovingly call "yoga drunk" (no drugs or alcohol necessary). It was hard to concentrate, hard to do, it was hard to do anything except be. ...

When the middle of September comes, I start to think if the Autumn Equinox and the shift from summer to fall. I also see this as a "new year." Maybe it is the back to school or the new planners that start to surface but I start thinking about what is left of the year. This year, I decided to take a look at my #23in23. The list of things I decided I would concentrate on in 2023. In case you need a reminder, here is my list. Here is my list of #23in23 in no particular order and some notes I added in July (around my birthday, my mid year check in on progress) and now I am adding some additional notes. #outside23in23 Finish 5 small house projects (in the process of selling the house) Learn to identify the seagulls (carry over from 2022) - Not even started Start each day with 5-10 minutes of Silence (working on this - a practice) (still working on this) Writing Practice 3-5 times per week (Hooray!) (keeping up with this except during the move) Small camper journey (several short ...

Well, it has been a minute since I posted anything. As I am typing this, I am staring out the window of our new apartment in Columbus, Ohio. For many of you, you may not know that I am from Newark, Ohio. I was born and raised in Ohio. When I was young, I dreamed of seeing the big wide world and so when we left Cincinnati, Ohio in 2007 and moved to Washington State, I did not dream we would return to my home state. Columbus was the big city for me growing up. We came here to do our back to school shopping sometimes, we would come to gospel meetings in various churches (Canal Winchester, Hilliard, Worthington, Broad St, to name a few) in the greater Columbus area. We frequented a place called Children's Palace to occasionally get a new toy. As I got older, I would come to Columbus to visit the zoo, go to a show, go clubbing, visit friends, cruise High Street, and of course visit COSI. I had a violin teacher in Bexley.  My brother played indoor soccer in Westerville. I had friends who...

  How is it a birthday already? It feels like time flies faster when you get older. I remember being a child and thinking how incredible SLOW everything was. I was always in a hurry to grow up. Now I am starting to embrace presence. I have been trying to embrace presence since I moved to Olympia and I have a tattoo on my arm in MY OWN handwriting to prove it. In all things....be present. And yet, until recently I believe I spend the majority of time either ruminating on my past or worried about the future. NOT ANY MORE!! Yes, with this trip around the sun, I am really doubling down on PRESENCE!! Taking a moment to be in THIS moment. The one where I feel a little thirsty and warm. I can hear the fan running. The notebook under my arm is cutting into that soft flesh on the underside of my arm. My ankle is resting on my other foot. My right thigh feels a little tight. The air is flowing in and out of my nose and lungs. I am typing on my keyboard and not using the exact right fingers t...