Research and Ramblings

 I allowed emotions to hijack a job I loved. And I feel like a failure. Ten years I worked with customers, clients and co-workers in a place I'd spend more than the 8 hours a day, some weekends, and special events. I would like to pin it on one human who evoked rage, hatred and anger in me, picking away at my sanity but in truth it was my failure. My failure to allow it to continue to escalate to not allow it to eat at me, my failure to ignore. I wasn't strong enough. I said I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't control the slow rage, the white hot heat, the impulse to hit, scratch, punch was getting greater and I'd like to blame them, make them the scapegoat, but in reality it was me. My failure. My inability to let it go, to not allow it to consume me. My old familiar friend, anger, rage, temper, that part of me that defied logic or hugging it out. It could not or would not rest. The mere sight of them would send me into an irrational tizzy. And for 10 years I tapp...

 I've posted this on Social Media - but want to circle back and post it here as well.  Here is my #24in24 inspired by Gretchen Rubin and her podcast with her sister Elizabeth Craft - check it out here. #24in24 Send 5 postcards each month TnT date night once a week #write24in24 Purchase a bathrobe 2 no spend months/create want lists (March/August) Create CV and Resume Shop at home Donate 24 items Quarterly purge Bible study Create an AM ritual/PM ritual Floss daily Small art once a week 1 day of technology silence per week To Appalachians for birthday Bus trip on ONP Celebrate the positive/wins Cultivate Listening skills Living will 1 new recipe a week Submit writing for publishing Embrace the pause before deciding something #15min timed tasks Gratitude practice daily I have spent years creating lists of resolutions, goals, or intentions and find them to be motivating and inspiring. It is always a suggestion and I am usually not so attached that as life shifts so do the lists ...

I took a look at my word of the year for the past few years: 2020 was Patience 2021 was Brave 2022 was Balance  2023 was Forgiveness and I chose Surrender for 2024.  Surrender for a long time meant to me to give up my own will and submit to the will of the higher power (in this case the God of the Bible). The thought of giving up my own will brought up terror and rebellion within my deepest being. I don't like to be controlled or told what to do. I have a long lifetime of not wanting to do what everyone else is doing. I am a type A and a self proclaimed control freak. I want to know everything all of the possibilities and pitfalls and be prepared. I don't want to do what has been done before even if it makes sense, unless there is a very clear and concise manual to follow. I would rather try and fail a million times than take direction. I think for a long time I thought if I were controlled, I would cease to be me. The trouble is, there are SO MANY things out of my control. I ...

It is coming...the longest night. I have loved developing a ritual and celebration around Winter Solstice. The call to go inward, the connection with Mother Earth, and the reflection the year. Over the years, I have slowly begun to add in things as solstice approaches.  I look over the year - what stands out - what do I remember - what were the moments that I want to remember and reflect on. I think about what my goals or intentions were for the year. For the past few years I have participated in #13in13 all the way to #23in23. It has been fun to pick some things for me to do, to finish, to push my edges, to explore, and to just find some time to spend on things that I would love to see as part of my day to day life as well as some dream things I hope will happen. This is inspired by Gretchen Rubin and her sister, Elizabeth Craft and their podcast Happier . Truthfully I have always created goals or intentions or even resolutions for the year - I just shifted when I start thinking a...

Maybe this is you? You decide to take on a challenge, and you work at it, plans are made, things happen, and eventually you realize you aren't going to master it. Some of you may be thinking, nope, I execute it perfectly every time. Some of you may be thinking, yep, that's me. This can be something simple like I am going to clean kitchen today or something more complex like I am going to lose 10 pounds this month. Just the fact that I labeled cleaning as simple and weight loss as complex says something about my own process. If you told me I had to clean the kitchen today, I would ace it. If you told me I had to lose 10 pounds in December I would laugh (holidays, cookies, treats). For me, I assign things as simple or complex. Sometimes when I set my mind to it, I can complete the challenge. Sometimes, I set my mind to it and my priorities change, or things happen outside of my control, or I shift priorities midway.  My husband will say that I am pretty good and completing challe...

 Oh I am happy. Hitting the 20K mark was AMAZING!! I was worried as I started the week ahead then wrote NOTHING on Tuesday. Wednesday I felt behind, and then I reminded myself that I am mostly teaching myself to write daily. To show up to do something I enjoy daily. The novel idea has fallen by the wayside. I feel a lot of feelings about that. I think what I am writing is going to amount to something though and my other win this week was locating an essay I wrote in group during 2020 and then the journal was stolen out of my car. I was more devastated about the journal being gone than anything else that was taken (well that and my friend's birthday stuff was also awful). I had a vague memory of typing it up as I sometimes do, and after much searching decided that it was gone forever. Then, earlier this week I thought to check my email to see if maybe I had emailed it to someone and I had. I was so excited about finding it, it set of a series of words about that essay and subsequent...

Today is day 4 of NaNoWriMo - I started the day excited to get my 2000 words of the day and then surpassed my wildest dreams when I found myself SO close to hitting 10K. Now I am wondering what to do, do I push through and get it? Old Tracy would fire up the old pen and paper and get her done!! After all, I am only136 words away at this point. BUT, have I learned nothing in this time I have taken for myself? Newer Tracy knows that it isn't important to hit that goal today. No need to push through. No need to dangle that carrot out in front.  I am writing memories from my childhood - moments that I think created and molded me into the person I am today. Is this what I planned to write? Is this my outline and plot points and characters? Nope! Once again I have decided to do something that I think will be what I am ultimately looking for but not taking the road I thought I would take. I have struggled with planning things down to the finest point and then the whole plan gets chucked o...

 So, I have decided to do it...the challenge of writing 50,000 words in the month of November as part of a national phenomenon - National Novel Writing Month. When I decided I would commit, it was July and part of my I've turned 53, now what thing. Now, it is a few months later and my life is totally different than I thought it would be. I had a solid idea for the novel. Fiction, semi-autobiographical, and kind of a retelling of Alice in Wonderland - but an older Alice, a 50 year old Alice, going through menopause and taking stock of her life - figuring out who she really is and meeting the major arcana of the tarot along the way. Now I am questioning my choices, thinking of nearly every other topic that I have ever thought of, and I think it is because November 1st is just a little over a week away. My procrastination response is alive and well. I will think of nearly every reason under the sun to not do this in the name of, oh, this other thing is more important now. It is typica...