Reflections on NaNoWriMo

Maybe this is you? You decide to take on a challenge, and you work at it, plans are made, things happen, and eventually you realize you aren't going to master it. Some of you may be thinking, nope, I execute it perfectly every time. Some of you may be thinking, yep, that's me. This can be something simple like I am going to clean kitchen today or something more complex like I am going to lose 10 pounds this month. Just the fact that I labeled cleaning as simple and weight loss as complex says something about my own process. If you told me I had to clean the kitchen today, I would ace it. If you told me I had to lose 10 pounds in December I would laugh (holidays, cookies, treats). For me, I assign things as simple or complex. Sometimes when I set my mind to it, I can complete the challenge. Sometimes, I set my mind to it and my priorities change, or things happen outside of my control, or I shift priorities midway. 

My husband will say that I am pretty good and completing challenges I set for myself. I would say I am constantly rethinking and often determining that I am a failure most of the time. Sure, I do things, complete tasks, rise to challenges, but I also am continually raising the bar. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to these things. I have had to try and change my mindset - which is incredibly hard to do. 

So I want to meditate daily - if I don't do it one day - I failed at meditation and I give up.

So I want to write daily - if I don't do it one day - I have failed at writing and I give up.

So I want to eat healthier - if I have a brownie one day - I have failed at eating healthier and I give up.

So I want to practice my art - if it looks like crap - I cannot do art, and I give up.

Do you see the pattern? What is it in me that thinks one failure is the end of something? 

I am in a writing intensive with Natalie Goldberg this week. Our writing prompt on Wednesday was first to write about the fear of failure...

So - 30 days ago I challenged myself to do NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). I spent most of October trying to outline, prepare, they call it Preptober - and I got planning fatigue. You see, I am planner so attached to my plans that if one little thing goes wrong, I consider the plan a fail and quit. That's right, one little thing. Of course I know this and can plan in real time, making adjustments as I go BUT I think it is my attachment to the plan. So of course November 1 rolls around and I begin to write. I realize that I'm not as attached to my original novel idea or really I cannot seem to get it to flow. Rather than continuing to fight it I shift course and decide I will write whatever comes. I am on fire on week one - and hit my 10K goal a little ahead of schedule. Week 2 I hit a couple of snags but finish a little later than schedule but I hit 20K. It is week 3 and I am hitting road block after road block, things aren't happening the way I imagined they would and I am ready to quit - and then I remember my pattern and get curious, can I change the way I am looking at this? If I can't do it perfectly, then don't do it at all? That old programming - call it whiteness, perfectionism, patriarchy, this pass.fail, good/bad, binary thinking that comes so naturally. I remember my dad telling me that his father said to him there was a right way and a wrong way to dig a ditch. My grandpa definitely had stung ideas about how to do things and so does my dad, and let's be honest so do I - Failure. Do I fear it? Maybe not, but it does cross my mind. If I can't do it RIGHT - why do it at all? But what about PRACTICE? and PERSISTENCE? and then there is MYSTERY. But most of the time that doesn't even cross my mind in the moment. I sink back to all/nothing, this/that, pass/fail. It is in every aspect of my life. If I cannot do it right, then I have failed and if I have failed, I am stuck in the failure. I had a brownie, throw out healthy eating all together. I didn't write 50K and I am not going to even if I write all night so just stop writing. I failed. I made a new recipe and it sucked, I will never try it again. Life is a series of pass/fail instead of learning opportunities, celebrating what I DID do, continuous improvement. 

Our next prompt was to write about the fear of success....stay tuned.

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Write about Failure (1/25/2024)

Image
 I allowed emotions to hijack a job I loved. And I feel like a failure. Ten years I worked with customers, clients and co-workers in a place I'd spend more than the 8 hours a day, some weekends, and special events. I would like to pin it on one human who evoked rage, hatred and anger in me, picking away at my sanity but in truth it was my failure. My failure to allow it to continue to escalate to not allow it to eat at me, my failure to ignore. I wasn't strong enough. I said I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't control the slow rage, the white hot heat, the impulse to hit, scratch, punch was getting greater and I'd like to blame them, make them the scapegoat, but in reality it was me. My failure. My inability to let it go, to not allow it to consume me. My old familiar friend, anger, rage, temper, that part of me that defied logic or hugging it out. It could not or would not rest. The mere sight of them would send me into an irrational tizzy. And for 10 years I tapp...
Read more

Writing Goals - 2024

Image
 I spent most of today in my pajamas looking through what I accomplished in 2023 as far as writing goals and then looked ahead at 2024. I follow Sarra Cannon on YouTube and she hosted a livestream all about planning writing goals in 2024. I had also downloaded a couple other planning/reflection tools from Abbie Emmons  and Katie Allen . But Tracy, you say, it's January 13th - aren't you a little behind? Nope, no I am not. I have been trying to shift my planning and goals from the typical New Year's resolutions to something more spread out. I find the time as we go into the darkest part of the year the best time to plant seeds, see what takes, and get really curious about what I really want. I think of Spring as the time for things to come alive - specifically February 1 - Imbolc - the halfway point between the winter solstice and the spring equinox as a ripe time to see what seeds are sprouting. I suffer from shiny new thing syndrome, anyone else? It is so easy for me to j...
Read more

Falling Back into Research...Ralph J. Burcham

Image
 So, it is February 5th, how is that possible? I had ideas of what I would accomplish in January and truth be told the month unfolded with whatever needed to happen, all part of my surrender. Now, I am starting to review my research and get organized because it is a mere 2 months before I am off to Washington State to continue my research about the Washington State Archives. So, I open my notes and decide to research the state archivist Ralph J. Burcham. What follows is typical when doing research on anything whether it is a research project or genealogy, you follow something and it isn't exactly what you were looking for, but it is just so interesting. I decided to start by plugging Ralph Burcham into the Washington State Digital Archives . I am met with several hits, including census, death, cemetery, institution, school census, and birth. I am sure I have found my Ralph Burcham based on notes I already have and the death certificate from 1963, but I cannot help but look at the c...
Read more