Reflections on NaNoWriMo

Maybe this is you? You decide to take on a challenge, and you work at it, plans are made, things happen, and eventually you realize you aren't going to master it. Some of you may be thinking, nope, I execute it perfectly every time. Some of you may be thinking, yep, that's me. This can be something simple like I am going to clean kitchen today or something more complex like I am going to lose 10 pounds this month. Just the fact that I labeled cleaning as simple and weight loss as complex says something about my own process. If you told me I had to clean the kitchen today, I would ace it. If you told me I had to lose 10 pounds in December I would laugh (holidays, cookies, treats). For me, I assign things as simple or complex. Sometimes when I set my mind to it, I can complete the challenge. Sometimes, I set my mind to it and my priorities change, or things happen outside of my control, or I shift priorities midway. 

My husband will say that I am pretty good and completing challenges I set for myself. I would say I am constantly rethinking and often determining that I am a failure most of the time. Sure, I do things, complete tasks, rise to challenges, but I also am continually raising the bar. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to these things. I have had to try and change my mindset - which is incredibly hard to do. 

So I want to meditate daily - if I don't do it one day - I failed at meditation and I give up.

So I want to write daily - if I don't do it one day - I have failed at writing and I give up.

So I want to eat healthier - if I have a brownie one day - I have failed at eating healthier and I give up.

So I want to practice my art - if it looks like crap - I cannot do art, and I give up.

Do you see the pattern? What is it in me that thinks one failure is the end of something? 

I am in a writing intensive with Natalie Goldberg this week. Our writing prompt on Wednesday was first to write about the fear of failure...

So - 30 days ago I challenged myself to do NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). I spent most of October trying to outline, prepare, they call it Preptober - and I got planning fatigue. You see, I am planner so attached to my plans that if one little thing goes wrong, I consider the plan a fail and quit. That's right, one little thing. Of course I know this and can plan in real time, making adjustments as I go BUT I think it is my attachment to the plan. So of course November 1 rolls around and I begin to write. I realize that I'm not as attached to my original novel idea or really I cannot seem to get it to flow. Rather than continuing to fight it I shift course and decide I will write whatever comes. I am on fire on week one - and hit my 10K goal a little ahead of schedule. Week 2 I hit a couple of snags but finish a little later than schedule but I hit 20K. It is week 3 and I am hitting road block after road block, things aren't happening the way I imagined they would and I am ready to quit - and then I remember my pattern and get curious, can I change the way I am looking at this? If I can't do it perfectly, then don't do it at all? That old programming - call it whiteness, perfectionism, patriarchy, this pass.fail, good/bad, binary thinking that comes so naturally. I remember my dad telling me that his father said to him there was a right way and a wrong way to dig a ditch. My grandpa definitely had stung ideas about how to do things and so does my dad, and let's be honest so do I - Failure. Do I fear it? Maybe not, but it does cross my mind. If I can't do it RIGHT - why do it at all? But what about PRACTICE? and PERSISTENCE? and then there is MYSTERY. But most of the time that doesn't even cross my mind in the moment. I sink back to all/nothing, this/that, pass/fail. It is in every aspect of my life. If I cannot do it right, then I have failed and if I have failed, I am stuck in the failure. I had a brownie, throw out healthy eating all together. I didn't write 50K and I am not going to even if I write all night so just stop writing. I failed. I made a new recipe and it sucked, I will never try it again. Life is a series of pass/fail instead of learning opportunities, celebrating what I DID do, continuous improvement. 

Our next prompt was to write about the fear of success....stay tuned.