Word of the Year - Surrender 2024
2020 was Patience
2021 was Brave
2022 was Balance
2023 was Forgiveness
and I chose Surrender for 2024.
Surrender for a long time meant to me to give up my own will and submit to the will of the higher power (in this case the God of the Bible). The thought of giving up my own will brought up terror and rebellion within my deepest being. I don't like to be controlled or told what to do. I have a long lifetime of not wanting to do what everyone else is doing. I am a type A and a self proclaimed control freak. I want to know everything all of the possibilities and pitfalls and be prepared. I don't want to do what has been done before even if it makes sense, unless there is a very clear and concise manual to follow. I would rather try and fail a million times than take direction. I think for a long time I thought if I were controlled, I would cease to be me. The trouble is, there are SO MANY things out of my control. I had lulled myself into thinking that if something failed it was because I didn't plan enough or it was a shortcoming on my part. There is a lot of relief in knowing it isn't all up to me. I cannot control a whole lot of anything. In therapy last year my therapist challenged me to come up with the things that were truly within my control. Spoiler alert, it is a really small list. Just because you don't have control it doesn't mean you swing to the other end of the spectrum and completely release, right? Well, I am going to try and loosen my white knuckled grip on things that really aren't in my control and focus on the very few things I can do. What would happen if I just released into the flow of life? Make less plans and be more curious about what pops up. I think I am also surrendering to a higher power - I have had a tumultuous relationship with God and I am curious again about what that may look like - I am still not sure about the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob or Jesus. I am curious about Allah, Yahweh, Buddha, Sat Nam, and the Creator of the Universe because I do believe it was created intentionally.
I have had so many things happen over the past few years - starting in 2020 that has made me look at control in such a different way. As I unpack the social norms, patriarchy, racism, whiteness, and what it means to be a woman here and now - I am feeling this call to lean into the great unknown in a way I have never done before. I also notice the ways people around me try and control (like I once did and sometimes still do) and the ebb and flow of emotions, hurt feelings, and failed attempts with great curiosity - what would it look like if I loosened my grip? This would be what is called a big C change for me. Am I capable of change? Is anyone? Or are we doomed to loop and loop and loop? Who knows? Certainly not me! I surrender as the song says by Alexa Sunshine Rose...
I release control
And surrender to the flow of love
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