Write about Failure (1/25/2024)

 I allowed emotions to hijack a job I loved. And I feel like a failure. Ten years I worked with customers, clients and co-workers in a place I'd spend more than the 8 hours a day, some weekends, and special events. I would like to pin it on one human who evoked rage, hatred and anger in me, picking away at my sanity but in truth it was my failure. My failure to allow it to continue to escalate to not allow it to eat at me, my failure to ignore. I wasn't strong enough. I said I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't control the slow rage, the white hot heat, the impulse to hit, scratch, punch was getting greater and I'd like to blame them, make them the scapegoat, but in reality it was me. My failure. My inability to let it go, to not allow it to consume me. My old familiar friend, anger, rage, temper, that part of me that defied logic or hugging it out. It could not or would not rest. The mere sight of them would send me into an irrational tizzy. And for 10 years I tapped it down, I ignored, I meditated, I did yoga, I prayed, I walked, I ate, I binged, I drank, I smoked, I did everything I thought I could do to realize or ignore or hide. In the end, I FAILED. I was unable to let it go, just let it go. Instead I allowed it to consume me and eventually I could not control it anymore. My fear grew, my rage ate my intestines, my stomach, my anger turned to inflammation, to migraines, to illness. Let it go, just let it go, who cares? Well I did, and too much. Like at itch that is just out of reach or a hunger that cannot be satiated, this demon grew to proportions that I could not get a grasp on or control. I could feel myself slipping out of control, the hatred and rage eating at me from the inside, deep under the gratitude and affirmations, snaking its way like black ink on a crisp white page. I failed. I could not keep it back anymore, so I had to leave. Furious that I allowed it to control me like this, mad that  I let it chase me away. Feeling I had no choice. I failed. I fed it and fed it and soon it consumed me, I failed.