Research and Ramblings

 I allowed emotions to hijack a job I loved. And I feel like a failure. Ten years I worked with customers, clients and co-workers in a place I'd spend more than the 8 hours a day, some weekends, and special events. I would like to pin it on one human who evoked rage, hatred and anger in me, picking away at my sanity but in truth it was my failure. My failure to allow it to continue to escalate to not allow it to eat at me, my failure to ignore. I wasn't strong enough. I said I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't control the slow rage, the white hot heat, the impulse to hit, scratch, punch was getting greater and I'd like to blame them, make them the scapegoat, but in reality it was me. My failure. My inability to let it go, to not allow it to consume me. My old familiar friend, anger, rage, temper, that part of me that defied logic or hugging it out. It could not or would not rest. The mere sight of them would send me into an irrational tizzy. And for 10 years I tapp...

 I spent most of today in my pajamas looking through what I accomplished in 2023 as far as writing goals and then looked ahead at 2024. I follow Sarra Cannon on YouTube and she hosted a livestream all about planning writing goals in 2024. I had also downloaded a couple other planning/reflection tools from Abbie Emmons  and Katie Allen . But Tracy, you say, it's January 13th - aren't you a little behind? Nope, no I am not. I have been trying to shift my planning and goals from the typical New Year's resolutions to something more spread out. I find the time as we go into the darkest part of the year the best time to plant seeds, see what takes, and get really curious about what I really want. I think of Spring as the time for things to come alive - specifically February 1 - Imbolc - the halfway point between the winter solstice and the spring equinox as a ripe time to see what seeds are sprouting. I suffer from shiny new thing syndrome, anyone else? It is so easy for me to j...

 I've posted this on Social Media - but want to circle back and post it here as well.  Here is my #24in24 inspired by Gretchen Rubin and her podcast with her sister Elizabeth Craft - check it out here. #24in24 Send 5 postcards each month TnT date night once a week #write24in24 Purchase a bathrobe 2 no spend months/create want lists (March/August) Create CV and Resume Shop at home Donate 24 items Quarterly purge Bible study Create an AM ritual/PM ritual Floss daily Small art once a week 1 day of technology silence per week To Appalachians for birthday Bus trip on ONP Celebrate the positive/wins Cultivate Listening skills Living will 1 new recipe a week Submit writing for publishing Embrace the pause before deciding something #15min timed tasks Gratitude practice daily I have spent years creating lists of resolutions, goals, or intentions and find them to be motivating and inspiring. It is always a suggestion and I am usually not so attached that as life shifts so do the lists ...

I took a look at my word of the year for the past few years: 2020 was Patience 2021 was Brave 2022 was Balance  2023 was Forgiveness and I chose Surrender for 2024.  Surrender for a long time meant to me to give up my own will and submit to the will of the higher power (in this case the God of the Bible). The thought of giving up my own will brought up terror and rebellion within my deepest being. I don't like to be controlled or told what to do. I have a long lifetime of not wanting to do what everyone else is doing. I am a type A and a self proclaimed control freak. I want to know everything all of the possibilities and pitfalls and be prepared. I don't want to do what has been done before even if it makes sense, unless there is a very clear and concise manual to follow. I would rather try and fail a million times than take direction. I think for a long time I thought if I were controlled, I would cease to be me. The trouble is, there are SO MANY things out of my control. I ...

Where do I begin? I'm afraid once I get started I will never start. What kind of photo do you use with a post like this? I have so much on my heart. I try to keep a lot of hope in my heart, AND I am trying to believe that people are doing the best they can, but also, there are just so many things I wish would change. I know it is overwhelming the amount of things that are wrong with the world, humanity, the planet, our water, the environment, as well as the things that scare me in my day to day life. Here is my place to just list what is concerning me today. This is by no means an inclusive list - but I don't want to leave this post utterly depressed and not able to function.  People who do not believe they are loved - hurt everything around them. I am both sad for them, and want to try and fix the root cause of this and don't say grow thicker skin - BE NICE to people. BE KIND, even if they are not. Someone has to show the love.  Climate change - hello people, we are a glob...

It is coming...the longest night. I have loved developing a ritual and celebration around Winter Solstice. The call to go inward, the connection with Mother Earth, and the reflection the year. Over the years, I have slowly begun to add in things as solstice approaches.  I look over the year - what stands out - what do I remember - what were the moments that I want to remember and reflect on. I think about what my goals or intentions were for the year. For the past few years I have participated in #13in13 all the way to #23in23. It has been fun to pick some things for me to do, to finish, to push my edges, to explore, and to just find some time to spend on things that I would love to see as part of my day to day life as well as some dream things I hope will happen. This is inspired by Gretchen Rubin and her sister, Elizabeth Craft and their podcast Happier . Truthfully I have always created goals or intentions or even resolutions for the year - I just shifted when I start thinking a...

 Today would have been my father-in-law's 87th birthday. He passed in his sleep on October 21, 2023 and today was his memorial. It was great to hear from people, their memories of him and to hear my husband and brother-in-laws speak about their father. I have not yet experienced losing a parent. From what I hear, it is hard and there is a hole that literally nothing can fill. I have experienced loss - grandparents, great-grandparents, great-great grandparents, people from the church, friends, children of friends, members of the community, but everyone says the loss of a parent is different.  David believed in making the world a better place for EVERYONE. He did this not so much by talking about it, though he did, door to door to make sure people were voting. He did this by getting involved, talking to people and getting them involved, and sometimes that even included doing things himself. Whether it was climate change, assuring all people have running water, homes and electric...