Research and Ramblings

 So, it is the last day of NaNoWriMo and I am at 35,907 words. I will be writing most of today and so I am confident I will end the day at or around 40K. Do you think I am celebrating? That is not how my brain works. I tell myself that the goal was 50K and I did not do it. So I failed. It has taken me awhile to recognize how often I live in a pass/fail right/wrong black/white for me/against me world. I am guessing it has something to do with my religious upbringing and generational patterning. We do not celebrate the ways we accomplished something - anything towards the goal. Instead it is you did not actually meet the mark. So, pass/fail.  So what went wrong this month? That is where my brain goes. What could I have done differently? Well, I started strong and then had some medical weirdness and then traveled for some of the time. I also worked and did all of the usual chores and home tasks. I met in group when I could. My best days of writing ended up being Thursdays and Sat...

 Oh I am happy. Hitting the 20K mark was AMAZING!! I was worried as I started the week ahead then wrote NOTHING on Tuesday. Wednesday I felt behind, and then I reminded myself that I am mostly teaching myself to write daily. To show up to do something I enjoy daily. The novel idea has fallen by the wayside. I feel a lot of feelings about that. I think what I am writing is going to amount to something though and my other win this week was locating an essay I wrote in group during 2020 and then the journal was stolen out of my car. I was more devastated about the journal being gone than anything else that was taken (well that and my friend's birthday stuff was also awful). I had a vague memory of typing it up as I sometimes do, and after much searching decided that it was gone forever. Then, earlier this week I thought to check my email to see if maybe I had emailed it to someone and I had. I was so excited about finding it, it set of a series of words about that essay and subsequent...

Today is day 4 of NaNoWriMo - I started the day excited to get my 2000 words of the day and then surpassed my wildest dreams when I found myself SO close to hitting 10K. Now I am wondering what to do, do I push through and get it? Old Tracy would fire up the old pen and paper and get her done!! After all, I am only136 words away at this point. BUT, have I learned nothing in this time I have taken for myself? Newer Tracy knows that it isn't important to hit that goal today. No need to push through. No need to dangle that carrot out in front.  I am writing memories from my childhood - moments that I think created and molded me into the person I am today. Is this what I planned to write? Is this my outline and plot points and characters? Nope! Once again I have decided to do something that I think will be what I am ultimately looking for but not taking the road I thought I would take. I have struggled with planning things down to the finest point and then the whole plan gets chucked o...

So much has happened in August through October. Should I list it all out? I almost don't want to because I can already feel my body tightening, my breath catching in my lungs, my pulse quickening, and I just cannot go back. I ruminate on the past a lot. I worry about the future a lot. I am usually caught in a space of what can I do? Feeling like my doing will be the thing that saves everyone. There's so much to unpack there - whiteness, patriarchy, saviorism, and worthiness. Regardless of what has happened, yesterday I found myself in a forest near Chillicothe in a geo-dome. The Geode Nature Dome  to be exact. My best friend Liz had an event there called Stillness with(Yin). A magical mixture of forest bathing, yin yoga, restorative yoga and guided meditation that put my system back to stillness. I totally felt what we (she and I) lovingly call "yoga drunk" (no drugs or alcohol necessary). It was hard to concentrate, hard to do, it was hard to do anything except be. ...

 So, I have decided to do it...the challenge of writing 50,000 words in the month of November as part of a national phenomenon - National Novel Writing Month. When I decided I would commit, it was July and part of my I've turned 53, now what thing. Now, it is a few months later and my life is totally different than I thought it would be. I had a solid idea for the novel. Fiction, semi-autobiographical, and kind of a retelling of Alice in Wonderland - but an older Alice, a 50 year old Alice, going through menopause and taking stock of her life - figuring out who she really is and meeting the major arcana of the tarot along the way. Now I am questioning my choices, thinking of nearly every other topic that I have ever thought of, and I think it is because November 1st is just a little over a week away. My procrastination response is alive and well. I will think of nearly every reason under the sun to not do this in the name of, oh, this other thing is more important now. It is typica...

When the middle of September comes, I start to think if the Autumn Equinox and the shift from summer to fall. I also see this as a "new year." Maybe it is the back to school or the new planners that start to surface but I start thinking about what is left of the year. This year, I decided to take a look at my #23in23. The list of things I decided I would concentrate on in 2023. In case you need a reminder, here is my list. Here is my list of #23in23 in no particular order and some notes I added in July (around my birthday, my mid year check in on progress) and now I am adding some additional notes. #outside23in23 Finish 5 small house projects (in the process of selling the house) Learn to identify the seagulls (carry over from 2022) - Not even started Start each day with 5-10 minutes of Silence (working on this - a practice) (still working on this) Writing Practice 3-5 times per week (Hooray!) (keeping up with this except during the move) Small camper journey (several short ...

Well, it has been a minute since I posted anything. As I am typing this, I am staring out the window of our new apartment in Columbus, Ohio. For many of you, you may not know that I am from Newark, Ohio. I was born and raised in Ohio. When I was young, I dreamed of seeing the big wide world and so when we left Cincinnati, Ohio in 2007 and moved to Washington State, I did not dream we would return to my home state. Columbus was the big city for me growing up. We came here to do our back to school shopping sometimes, we would come to gospel meetings in various churches (Canal Winchester, Hilliard, Worthington, Broad St, to name a few) in the greater Columbus area. We frequented a place called Children's Palace to occasionally get a new toy. As I got older, I would come to Columbus to visit the zoo, go to a show, go clubbing, visit friends, cruise High Street, and of course visit COSI. I had a violin teacher in Bexley.  My brother played indoor soccer in Westerville. I had friends who...